The 2023-24 season is finally here, and so are our unsolicited and mildly rude opinions! Like last year, we’re kicking off the season with our Very Important Predictions, looking only at the things that truly matter.
Breakout Season
The answer is pretty obvious if the amount of Connor Bedard content we’ve consumed against our will is any indication. The most hyped-up player to enter the league since McDavid on a team hoping to revive its glory and reputation? Yeah, the NHL is not giving us an option here. We’ll know it’s real once the fancams and TikToks start hitting Jack Hughes numbers though.
The Flop Era
Given that our tagline includes the words “two haters,” we must admit that we could give every team a reason as to why they’re flops. However, if we’re being practical, we will go with Tampa Bay because of Andrei Vasilevskiy’s injury. We don’t think the Bruins will recapture the magic of last year’s (regular) season, and we don’t even count San Jose right now.
The Revenge Tour
For the past few years, Calgary has alternated between the top of its division and the middle of the pack. After the infamous trade between them and the Panthers and the departure of important players, nothing went as expected for that team, especially for some core players. For this reason, we think Elias Lindholm will fight for his life, not because he’s on a revenge tour but because he needs a new contract to prove that last year was just an outlier. Dad era unlocked!
The team that will need to have a PR team on lock
Given how ill-handled everything in the league is, we’d argue that every team should have a crisis management team on staff (or at least on retainer). Honestly, this league is not particularly known for its sound decisions and strong critical-thinking skills. The team needing to tread most carefully will probably be the Columbus Blue Jackets after the Babcock fiasco. The story was exactly the type of scandal that drove engagement, so there will be a lot of eyes on them checking for any issues.
The Missing Key
Let’s be honest: the off-season didn’t give what it was supposed to have given. We would probably get an F if we needed to do a pop quiz about this year's free agency.
However, a trade did break us. We shed some tears when we saw Duclair’s name in a deal with the Sharks. His reduced season due to his injury last year didn’t allow him to shine fully, and now, being in a contract year, it’s a stressful time for Duclair’s fans. As we know, his journey in this sport has been tumultuous, and as he finally found his footing in the Panthers organization, he gets shipped to the other side of the country. He might not be a missing key for the South Florida team, but he will be to us because, unfortunately, there’s no reason to stay up and watch any Sharks game.
This season’s new ~meow - meow~
Quinn Hughes (a fellow air sign weirdo - Gaby). No explications, vibes only just like him!
The team who will be Hockey Twitter's nemesis
Chicago is the default here, so very much like Gaby’s homer tendencies, they don’t count. Vegas might be it, given that certain portions of hockey fandom feel a type of way when certain teams “weren’t supposed to win.” Mark Stone’s overreaction to Hayden Hodgson’s hit and his comments after sure didn't win them any favors either. Personally, we hope Jack Eichel says something so inflammatory that the stodgy old men of the league have a conniption and make us cackle. Girls can dream.
The team that’s going to personally piss off Gaby & Perrye the most
For Perrye: Treliving and Sutter being gone from Calgary was the best possible hockey thing that could have happened to her this off-season, so I think we’re going with her bestie, Lou Lamoriello and the New York Islanders. Although, I won’t discount Treliving saying something that will piss her off. He just has a way with words.
For Gaby: I could say the Blackhawks again, but since Gaby is a homer, her love-hate relationship as a pick defeats the purpose of this question, so I’m going with her other options: Penguins (because of her ongoing, one-sided beef with Sidney Crosby) & Flyers (because she’s the prez of the John Tortorella Hater Club).
Team With The Best Vibes
Last year’s team for this question didn’t excite us in terms of entertainment and became bland pretty early during the 2022-23 season. Claude Giroux, who?
So this year, we decided to go with a team that never really gets bothered by the media and is chilling their way through the season until playoffs. Being an LA Kings fan seems peaceful, which makes sense because the good vibes are strong.
Stanley Cup Winners
Since we’re still unfamiliar with most teams’ rosters, it’s hard for us to answer. We see potential, but none of them are fully giving winners at the moment. We will have to revisit this later this season!
Let us know in the comments if you agree with our predictions, and enjoy the upcoming season!
With love,
Perrye & Gaby