We’ve been all about Serious Business™ over the last couple of weeks so this week’s issue is covering something that we also find important but not often discussed: the league’s music choices.
Listen, we understand that the NHL has, you know, a ~particular~ audience, but we’re still slightly baffled by the choice of artist every year at the All-Star Game. Since they won’t let Gaby organize next year’s ASG to bring in Bad Bunny, we’re talking about the next best (or worst??) thing: Goal songs.
If you search through the archive of the Internet, you can read a couple of articles where contributors rank from worst to best each team goal song, which we truly admired.
There are some teams that have decided to give players the option to choose their own songs, but since - and we say this with all the kindness in our hearts - most players have the personality of a dry cracker with no salt, we can let you imagine their choices.
Clearly, not all goal songs are created equal.
At To Hockey, With Love, we think that goals songs should give people an insight into the team culture that unites the city and make the opposing team and its fans unable to relisten to it on their personal terms.
This is why we’re reimagining every team goal song with the perspective that the league is fun, knows current trends and has no problem poking fun at itself. So welcome to the 2022 THWL Official Goal Song List!
Because we are Rigorous Academics around these parts, we set out some criteria. All songs chosen had to meet at least two of the following:
Can you shake your ass to it?
An artist from the team city
Would it piss off every middle-aged white male fan?
Did it make one of us giggle when we thought about it?
If we’re being honest, we would have just put a different song from B’Day (flawless album, and we will NOT hear otherwise), but alas, repeats aren’t allowed.
Shoutout to Sara, for her truly impressive musical knowledge and for helping us make this a little less chaotic, lmao.
The 2022 To Hockey With Love Official Goal Song List:
Anaheim Ducks
Get Into It (Yuh) - Doja Cat
Okay, so we know that there are artists from Anaheim but we haven’t quite forgiven Gwen Stefani for her multiple racist eras?? Many a bop were had, but Jesus Christ. Instead, we’re giving it to Doja Cat - an LA Native. Like Zegras and Drysdale, she too has exploded on the scene.
Arizona Coyotes
It’s A Hard Knock Life - Jay-Z
Self-explanatory maybe? Especially since, according to The Athletic, the Tempe stadium deal hasn’t even been approved yet. Even the 5,000 seat stadium they will be sharing with Arizona State University for the next three seasons isn’t even done yet. Atlanta Thrashers, we miss you baby.
Boston Bruins
Hot Stuff - Donna Summers
Donna Summers was born and raised in the Mission Hill neighborhood in Boston! The 70s are hot right now and so is Patrice Bergeron.
Buffalo Sabres
The Buffalo Sabres let each of the players choose their own goal songs for this season. The players made some really good choices, so we’re giving them this one. Too bad there’s no one in the building to hear it :(
Calgary Flames
Freak Nasty - Megan Thee Stallion
This is first and foremost a Megan Thee Stallion household. Also, would Darryl Sutter hate it with every fibre of his soul? Yes *smiling angel emoji*
Carolina Hurricanes
ATM - Bree Runway ft Missy Elliot
The queen Missy Elliot is from Virginia, and since the state is so close to North Carolina, we thought it would make sense to include her this way.
*Yeah, we had to work a lot on our geography knowledge for this issue.*
Also, Perrye thinks this verse of hers is simply one of the best to be written, and it deserves to be heard.
Chicago Blackhawks
No <3
Colorado Avalanche
Boogie Wonderland - Earth, Wind & Fire
Philip Bailey is a Denver, Colorado native, so of course, we had to include this iconic group. The process behind this was Gaby being like “Earth, Wind & Fire are elements and you know, avalanches are part of nature.” A meeting of the minds, folks.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Throw A Fit - Tinashe
Someone has to show Tinashe some love. Also, we will concede that Patrick Laine has a little bit of an It Factor.
Dallas Stars
El Chico del Apartamento 512 - Selena
A fun, iconic, song from one of Texas’ most iconic artists that would acknowledge the Mexican-American community in the area. Also a little nod to up-and-coming cutie pie, Jason Roberston. What more could we ask for?
Detroit Red Wings
Crush On You - Lil Kim ft Lil Cease
We do. We do have a crush on them. Our favorite new team, they are so fun, we love their rookies and their jerseys are iconic. The MoJoe show really has been effective propaganda, smh.
Edmonton Oilers
Gasolina - Daddy Yankee
Fun song, topical name, and Gaby nearly choked thinking about Connor McDavid trying to perrear.
Florida Panthers
Green Light - Beyoncé
Yes, yes we would give them the Green Light.
Los Angeles Kings
Drop It Like It’s Hot - Snoop Dogg ft Pharrell Williams
We had to give a shoutout to one of the King’s most famous fans. Perfect celebratory West Coast vibes.
Minnesota Wild
Birthday Cake - Rihanna
We’d originally put Wild Thoughts (lol) but not really a goal song, per se. Birthday Cake was the alternative option, even though we wish it was about 3 minutes longer.
Montreal Canadiens
Comportement - Aya Nakamura
The Habs wish they could be as creative as this, but as the most listened to French female artist in the world, it was simply obvious that Perrye had to give Ms. Nakamura her flowers.
Nashville Predators
Motivation - Normani
Being on a team with Roman Josi (and we will also argue Juuse Saros!) should be motivation enough. Y’all got that good good?
New Jersey Devils
Million Dollar Bill - Whitney Houston
Is Whitney Houston the best thing to ever come from New Jersey? We don’t know, but we’re making the executive decision that she was. Given the way certain parts of the Hockey Social Media Universe feel about Jack Hughes, this song made sense.
New York Islanders
Pass the Courvoisier, Part II (feat P. Diddy & Pharell) - Busta Rhymes
The song is good, and Busta Rhymes grew up in Long Island. What more can we ask for?
New York Rangers
Hot N*gga - Bobby Shmurda
We’re so happy to see Bobby out and just living his life in the best way possible. Also, would we pay premium prices to see 6ft+ white men do the Shmurda Dance? Maybe.
Ottawa Senators
Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny) - The Pussycat Dolls & A.R. Rahman
Okay, we don’t know about y’all but The Pussycat Dolls’ music gives us the energy of a hot girl who likes to tussle. Brady Tkachuk is not our particular cup of tea, but generally representative of the idea, lmao.
Philadelphia Flyers
Put It Down - Jazmine Sullivan
As a Philly native, you know Perrye HAD to plug her in. Also, her song is about being caught up in a situation and staying for just one *specific* reason which is perfect for the team. The hold Travis Konecny has on some of y’all.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Booty - Jennifer Lopez, Pitbull
Gaby refuses to take credit for this one (ask her about Ashanti) but we have ALL seen those Tumblr edits of the league’s most iconic derrieres. She suggested Culo by Pitbull as an alternative.
San Jose Sharks
Tap In - Saweetie
Saweetie is from the region, so we’re giving this to San Jose. Also, the pun with the title of the song was just too good to ignore, hahaha.
Seattle Kraken
Reel It In - Aminé
Another artist who is close to the team’s location by some technicalities. Aminé is from Portland, which was good enough for us.
Reel It In means get something under control, and in this case, it is the game when players score. See, our minds?
St. Louis Blues
Hot In Herre - Nelly
Nelly being from St. Louis gave us a whole bunch of options and we almost went with a song from Country Grammar to satisfy the NHL’s fanbase for once. But alas, Hot In Herre is so much better.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Act Up - City Girls
In 2018, JT and Young Miami gave an interview to The Cut on how hard they worked and hustled their way into hip-hop. We’re really really glad they did. Given the way the Tampa Bay front office finessed their way around the salary cap rules to become back-to-back champions, we’d called them honorary City Girls too.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Temperature - Sean Paul
Sean Paul's grandfather moved to Canada in 1976, and his brother was born there which makes him a Torontonian by association. Even though he has some bops were not giving Auston Matthews the satisfaction of giving them a Biebz song. The same goes for our Toronto Mans, Drake. Plus, Sean Paul’s hits transcend time.
Vancouver Canucks
Material Girl - Saucy Santana
Elias Pettersson IS a Material Girl. We miss your influencer era, bestie.
Vegas Golden Knights
All For You - Janet Jackson
Janet Jackson is a fave here. She’s glitz and glam and everything Vegas should aspire to be. All For You is so fun and has so much good energy something the team - with its weird cop energy - needs.
Washington Capitals
Money - Rico Nasty Ft. Flo Milli
This was the other team allowed to choose their own goal songs. We’re hereby revoking that right. Instead, enjoy this bop by D.C. Native Rico Nasty.
Winnipeg Jets
Safaera - Bad Bunny
This is the greatest (and only) gift Gaby will bestow on Winnipeg. Enjoy!
If you’re a Spotify user, you can listen to all of these songs via this playlist made by yours truly. Hope you like it!
Other thoughts
Today is Claude Giroux’s 1000th Game Celebration. Here’s a little fancam from Broad Street Hockey in case you wanna feel a little devastated today. How about them trade deadlines, eh?
Tyson Jost getting traded to the Minnesota Wild
This week was hard for Hockey Twitter when they learned that this fandom fave had been traded.
Perrye, who was off the grid for a couple of days, thought he was traded to a bottom-of-the-barrel team with the way some fans were going through it.
Anyway, he seems to be fitting in with his new team, so clearly he will be fine whether he can see the colors or not.
A former fave of the newsletter went out of his way to piss us off and hurt Lucas Raymonds. We will not be adding any commentary, but please know there was some furious “scratching off from lists” at our HQ.
Junior Hockey is At It Again:
Flint Firebird President Terry Christiensen was expelled after an investigation by the Ontario Hockey League for violating their Harassment and Abuse/Diversity Policy. There were not a lot of details on what happened other than it was related than a vague “it was allegedly related to racism.” It’s interesting how hard they work to reinforce the sport’s culture of silence. Imagine how racist you have to be to not even make it one year in hockey of all places.
The OHL is also investigating the Niagara IceDogs after rumors of an “inappropriate” WhatsApp group chat popped up involving employees. Can you believe these are the people in charge of the development of young men ages 16-21? Terrifying.
Honestly, when will they (redacted) down the OHL?!?
With love,
Perrye & Gaby