You (may actually) Break Our Souls: The Best and Worst of the ‘22 Free Agency
Perrye is coming for you, Johnny!
Oh, free agency. It can be the best of times or the worst of times - ask Calgary Flames fans. It’s been a minute since we’ve had such an intriguing free agency. The last time was probably when John Tavares signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs, which led to this hilarious (but serious??) “Dear John” video from Islanders fans.
It’s been chaotic, and a few unexpected moves kept us talking all day. Since apparently we love to review stuff, we want to talk about some of the significant signings.
We would have given you a rundown of all the signings, but since we’re on cap space, aka word count, we’ll tell you to check out CapFriendly for more details.
The signing no one saw coming.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Johnny Gaudreau 7yrs x $9.8million
A brief summary of our (read: Perrye’s) thoughts on this signing:
I (Gaby), on the other hand, think this is the funniest thing that could have happened after a day of speculation that he would sign in either Philly (with what money??) or New Jersey (which would have been fantastic with their young core). The Blue Jackets are one of those teams that I only remember when the playoffs happen. I think I’m most confused about someone willingly choosing to live in Ohio for seven years.
Perrye would like to add that they also gave Erik Gudbranson, who will be on his eighth (8!) NHL club, an insane contract (4 yrs x $4 million). His career high happened last season with 17 points (LOL). Good luck with that, Columbus! You’ll definitely need it.
From zero to hero?
These teams haven’t missed a beat while taking care of business. They used the Free Agency momentum to fill in the missing keys of their puzzle. It’s still too early to say how it will play out on the ice, but their future seems bright.
Ottawa Senators
In under a week, the Ottawa Senators went from “may have potential” to “maybe???” The addition of Debrincat and now Claude Giroux has bolstered what was an already promising core. This is the most exciting the team has been since that leaked Taxi video. It’s only been a couple of months since Anna and Olivia Melnyk took over, and things are already promising. We’re excited to see this team play next season, and Gaby is particularly cheesed to be able to openly root for Alex DeBrincat.
Carolina Hurricanes
The Canes made some money moves by getting rid of Tony Deangelo, acquiring Brent Burns at a low cost and securing Max Pacioretty & Dylan Coghlan for nothing. A team who wasn’t a favorite for multiple reasons last season might slowly get back into the grace and hearts of fans.
“Go Girl, Give Us Nothing”
Unless they made a big move prior (e.g., Ryan McDonagh to the Preds or Alexander Romanov to the Isles), these teams got rid of some people, signed some contracts and called it a day for Free Agency day. We won’t go into comprehensive details about their signings, but the lack of energy was remarkable enough that they deserved their category.
New York Islanders
The Islanders took their summer break early and embodied the definition of doing nothing. They were apparently in the running for “Johnny Hockey,” but we don’t know how much we believe it since Lou Lamoriello isn’t the most known for acquiring impressive assets. As well-known Lamoriello haters, this is what he deserves.
Also, in this category: Los Angeles Kings, Minnesota Wild, Montreal Canadiens, Nashville Predators & New York Islanders.
We’ll see how it plays out
Big long-term contracts to risky goaltending choices might work for them; it might not. Only time will tell.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Malkin said he would try out Free Agency and Sidney Crosby said, “I think the fuck not.” After breaking the hearts of Pens fans everywhere, the team signed Malkin to a four-year, $6.1 million AAV in the 11th hour- very similar to his viejito-in-arms Kris Letang. We’re assuming the Penguins did not want to see Sidney Crosby shaking and crying, but given everyone’s respective ages, this may play out well or not. We appreciate the drama of it all, though.
Tampa Bay Lightning
We love Tampa Bay’s annual game of “is the salary cap actually real?” Tampa Bay signed three 8-year extensions for Anthony Cirelli, Erick Cernak and Mikhail Sergachev. They made a couple of other additions, including 33-year-old Ian Cole shore up their defence on the left after moving Ryan McDonagh. They’re currently about $7 million over the cap, so how they handle that will probably be hilarious and upsetting to the old heads of the sport. LTIR loopholes forever, baby.
Also in this category: Colorado Avalanche, New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers, Toronto Maple Leafs, Vancouver Canucks and Washington Capitals.
Rooting against evil has never been easier.
These are the teams that, when you’re thinking about their roster, makes you wrinkle your nose in distaste. We can only assume that the vibes are most foul and wretched. While we’re too superstitious to actually wish anyone ill, we certainly do not wish them well either.
Philadelphia Flyers
Chuck Fletcher has truly become Philly’s #1 Villain. In January, the team announced an “aggressive re-tool” of the team that has turned out uh… terribly for them. Once they decided Tortorella was their coach’s choice, we knew things would go bad. Still, we don’t think anyone expected them to end up with Hockey Twitter’s communal nemesis Tony DeAngelo. Yikes...
Edmonton Oilers
Abusers and enablers don’t get any attention from us.
St. Louis Blues
Probably the worst goalie tandem in history, and not only for their on-ice performance. The Blues decided to sign Thomas Greiss, blacklisted from the German National Team for his extremist views, as a backup to their current racist starter goalie. We hope they get lit up every game.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
This category is for the teams with some great signings but also some questionable ones.
Detroit Red Wings
With the signings of Dominik Kubalik, Andrew Copp and David Perron, The Red Wings are doing everything in their power to be a competitive team next season. However, on his way to creating the perfect team, Steve Yzerman felt the need to have a misstep.
What does one have to do to get Ben Chiarot on a team Perrye doesn’t care about? This man next to Moritz Seider will probably be nothing other than a deadweight. Also, Gaby is surprised that Olli Määttä is still in the NHL.
Seattle Kraken
They really don’t want a good goalie in front of the net? Martin Jones is definitely “a choice,” but good on them for acquiring Andre Burakovsky!
The Downgrades
Whether by choice or not, these teams broke their fans’ hearts. These teams will not look the same next season, and their success is questionable.
Calgary Flames
It was a quiet day for a team that was clearly still struggling with losing out on Johnny Gaudreau. The team did everything they could to keep him, but it was clear that Gaudreau had no interest in staying. Other than that significant loss, they re-signed Trevor Lewis, Nikita Zadorov (WHY BRAD?!), Colton Poolman and brought on Kevin Rooney.
Florida Panthers
Back to the start, they go, eh? Chiarot, Giroux and Marchment all walked out on them while the rest of the Atlantic Division is setting themselves up to be competitive as ever. Their cap situation limits their options, so they must be creative to fill the gap.
Vegas Golden Knights
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Translation: terrible cap management by the team meant offloading Max Pacioretty for future considerations.
Do people care?
The title already tells you what you need to know. We don’t really follow these teams, but since we’re a newsletter for The People, it’s our duty to report. We’re not gonna judge if you’re a fan of these teams, but you should definitely get better taste.
Buffalo Sabres
They have been making a lot of moves this off-season. They signed Hilary Duff’s former brother-in-law, got new defensemen and re-signed team favorite Victor Olofsson. It’s just sad that there won’t be any fans in the building to witness it :(
Also in this category: Anaheim Ducks, Boston Bruins, Dallas Stars & Winnipeg Jets
The Bob the Builder Teams
These are the teams that, for better or worse, are starting up on a rebuild or gearing up for one. They’re also teams we’ll be interested in over the season, so you’ll probably be hearing more from us.
Chicago Blackhawks
It’s Tank Szn, baby. Thankfully, we ended up not publishing last week, or y’all would have gotten the worst version of Gaby with Opinions On the Chicago Blackhawks™. The Debrincat trade was absolutely baffling, but it quickly became apparent that Kyle Richardson was fully committed to the rebuild. Probably for the best that he won’t lose his best years on a bad team.
Everyone expected Kane and Toews to abandon ship as quickly as possible, but it looks like they’re holding off to see what’s gonna happen. Other than that, there were a few meh signings on what is essentially going to be an AHL team next season.
Arizona Coyotes - The Coyotes are never serious. They somehow have eleven defensemen on their current roster?
San Jose Sharks - Offloading Brent Burns was a great move by new GM Mike Grier. We’re rooting for him.
Shout to the Blue Jays for using Free Agency Day to fire Charlie Montoyo. We’re still on the lookout for Kadri’s contract, so we’ll be back.
With love,
Perrye & Gaby